How I got here, in 39 lines

1. I am the reason my parents got married.
   
2. My mom smoked cigars while she was pregnant with me.
   
3. Eh, I turned out fine.
   
4. My two youngest brothers (twins) were conceived while my mother was on the pill.
   
5. I had a lot of responsibility as a child, especially after my parents separated.
   
6. Like babysitting my brothers after school, making dinner and being my mom's best friend and confidante.
   
7. On Saturdays my mom would drop me off at the grocery store with a list, the folder of coupons and blank check.
   
8. This is not a life I recommend for an 11 year-old and I swore I would never, ever have children. 
   
9. Although I still love grocery shopping.
   
10. I have two aunts who failed to conceive for years, adopted, and then got pregnant.
    
11. There are a lot of surprise pregnancies in my family.
    
12. I had one of my own when I was 26.
    
13. My boyfriend and I had just moved to the US and were living in two distant cities and commuting on weekends.
    
14. The lack of maternity leave and high cost of daycare freaked me out.
    
15. Honestly, my boyfriend was kind of an asshole, I just didn't realize it at the time.
    
16. It really wasn't the right time to have a child.
    
17. So I had an abortion.
    
18. It's something I think about a lot, but I've never wanted to take it back.
    
19. I met my husband at work and knew the moment I saw him that I wanted to marry him.
    
20. Early in our relationship he offered to have fertility testing done because he saw the mother in me and didn't want me to marry someone who couldn't give me children.
    
21. It was incredibly sweet and touching but I declined because he was way too sexy to be infertile.
    
22. I really didn't want to get pregnant before we were married so we didn't start trying until after the wedding.
    
23. A year later he went in for testing.
    
24. Motility and morphology were abnormal.
    
25. His doctor suggested IUI so I found a clinic near work and made an appointment.
    
26. I was floored when my ovaries failed the Clomid challenge.
    
27. I suggested adoption but my husband isn't ready.
    
28. After a lot of research on adoption I'm not sure I'm ready either.
    
29. So we decided to try medicated IUI.
    
30. Round one was textbook perfect but didn't get us pregnant.
    
31. We had to sit out a month because of a follicle that refused to leave the party on time.
    
32. Round two started out fine but resulted in 9 follicles by day 8.
    
33. My doctor suggested switching to IVF but I've only met her once in 6 months and don't really feel like I want to embark on an incredibly invasive procedure at the drop of a hat.
    
34. One of my best friends from high school got pregnant on her first try last year.
    
35. She brought the baby to her 40th birthday party: he's gorgeous.
    
36. I haven't told her we're using fertility treatments, she wouldn't understand.
    
37. Until very recently, I know I wouldn't have.
    
38. But I don't begrudge her, or anyone else, their babies.
    
39. I just want one of my own.